Forgiven
by shadowjadis
Summary: Sad season 6 BrOrson songfic. What if Bree hadn't caught him before he drowned himself? Song by Within Temptation. I do not own DH, any of its characters or the song. No copyright infringement is intended.


_Couldn't save you from the start  
Love you so it hurts my soul_

__Rain and tears are pouring down my face. I didn't even bother bringing an umbrella. For God's sakes, after all I've put you through! Getting a little bit cold is a very small punishment for all I've done. I can't stop thinking that this all was my fault. Obvious, isn't it? What's ironic is that, after hearing the famous quote that you don't know what you've got until you've lost it so many times, only now I'm starting to realize how true it is. I loved you once… and it has taken me a long time to realize that I never stopped.

_Can you forgive me for trying again  
Your silence makes me hold my breath  
Oh, time has passed you by_

I've been a fool. I broke your heart and then forced us both to work together to mend it. Forced us to love each other again. But it was in vain. It just made your bitterness and the gap between us grow. I wish I could apologize to you, but you can't hear me. And this just makes my conscience torment me even more, reminding me that it's because of my mistake that I'm where I am right now – standing here at your grave, drowning in my regrets.

_Ooh, for so long I've tried to shield you from the world  
Ooh, you couldn't face the freedom on your own  
Here I am left in silence_

God, I feel so stupid. I had neighbors watch you to prevent you from taking your own life. I followed you like a shadow and removed anything you could have used to hurt yourself. And the very minute I turned away, you rolled yourself into that swimming pool… without me being able to do anything to prevent it. __

I watched the clouds drifting away  
Still the sun can't warm my face

The first days are always the hardest, they say. I had all my friends over to tell me how sorry they are. All the girls were there, showing me their support. They've all told me it was not my fault. Everyone did. Everyone except for the person I so desperately need to hear it from. No, forget it. I don't want you to tell me I'm not to blame. I know I am.

_I know it was destined to go wrong  
You were looking for the great escape  
To chase your demons away_

Our relationship was never easy. Does this mean it was never meant to be? We faced many challenges right from the start – suspicions, gossip, complicated family situations. Even so, we seemed unbreakable; whatever happened, we used to survive. Was there something we forgot along the way? We always got through everything. You fought for me. You lied for me. You sacrificed your freedom for me. Then you died for me. __

I've been so lost since you've gone  
Why not me before you  
Why did fate deceive me  
Everything turned out so wrong  
Why did you leave me in silence  


This is not the way it should have ended. It's not what I wanted. We deserved a happy ending. But I had to ruin it. I should be the one six feet under, suffering in hell. Not you. Perhaps this is my punishment – having to live the rest of my life with the weight of my mistake over my shoulders.

_You gave up the fight  
You left me behind  
All that's done's forgiven_

We could have got through this one as well. We could have been ourselves again. But this dawned on me too late. You had already surrendered. I can't blame you for this. Now, seeing the raindrops hammering on this tombstone that carries your name, only now I realize that it was the passion, the love you felt for me what pushed you to do the things you did. I wish I had seen this before and been able to forget it.

_You'll always be mine  
I know deep inside  
All that's done's forgiven_

In the middle of this storm that surrounds me, both outside on this cemetery and inside my own, shattered soul, there's a thought that gives me hope. Perhaps, if I can find a way to redeem myself, one day I'll see you again in heaven. Then, and only then, I will know that you've forgiven me.


End file.
